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STEP 1 - THIS MAY BE A HARD ONE TO ANSWER - BUT DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT BE GAY?
First off, we have to decide how far you are with this process already. So I have to ask you a question. Are you gay?
Sorry to be so direct because I know that thinking about this question can be a bit of a frightener, especially if you've never said the answer out loud. So for the moment, just think the answer inside your head, if that makes it easier. One thing you'll notice is that it feels like a really big deal the first time, but the more you say it, the less difficult it becomes.
And remember that this coming-out business can all seem a bit of a storm about nothing ... and so unfair. Straights don't have to do it, so why should we? Straight people just assume that everyone is straight. Then they get hitched, have children, go to McDonald's and eventually slip peacefully away surrounded by their grandchildren and great-grandchildren ... without passing Go, without collecting £200 and, in most cases, without going to gaol.
Being gay, however, is a minority pursuit. But don't ever forget that, while there may be more of them than us, it doesn't mean that being straight is 'normal' ... it's just very common. So don't worry. Being gay or lesbian or bisexual isn't good or bad, right or wrong. It just is. But for those of us who are gay or lesbian or bisexual, we do have to go through the very inconvenient step of dealing with other people's preconceptions. And mostly that involves them assuming that we're straight, which we're not. So we have to come out. And put them straight on the matter.
So question one: Are you gay?
Now there are lots of answers you could give to that ... like 'Maybe' or 'I fancy the boy who sits next to me' or 'Girls make me tingle' or 'The secretary of the golf club makes my putter rise' or 'I don't really know' or 'Definitely' or 'Can't wait to find out' or 'I'm terrified of even thinking about it' ... OK, you could choose one of those but let's try a tentative 'Yes'.
Now if you can go that far, help yourself to a prize and go to Step Two.
maybe you're bisexual…
You will hear a lot of chat about teenagers 'going through a phase' and 'experimenting' before they settle down. Usually the people who talk like this expect that eventually you'll opt for Friday night takeaways, 2.4 kids and married bliss. Although sometimes the hipper among them accept cheerily that you might be gay and settle down to Friday night takeaways, 2.4 cats and unmarried bliss.
But bi-sexuals are often left feeling that they just aren't trying hard enough. That they should damn well make up their mind and fit neatly into a world of strict categories. But don't be pressurised into either camp by gays or straights if you feel you're bi.
And don't forget there's sex and then there's relationships. If you've decided at any particular time in your life that you've fallen for someone of the same sex and are going out with them, then the normal rules apply whether you're bi or gay. Be honest with them and be faithful. Most people feel that being faithful is better than playing around.
But sometimes there's added pressure for bi-sexuals. Some say that they feel a little strained because the 'other side' of their sexuality is unfulfilled. Well, a male friend of mine who now lives with a woman says he satisfies that by playing sport with other men and going to the gym. It may work for you. Like a lot of people, gay, straight or bi, window shopping is enough for him.
But bi-sexuals say the most common difficulty is when they are unable to be honest. Maybe you are going out with someone and you just can't tell them because you think they might feel hurt or undermined or just plain angry. Or you're single and everybody thinks you're straight. And so the temptation is to go off and have gay sex secretly – meeting through phone lines, in loos, cruising resorts, pubs, clubs... wherever. No harm in that, except that secrecy can be a terrible burden. Also, if you're not owning up to having gay sex and you're doing it on the sly, sometimes that means you don't take enough care to be safe. Always take precautions.
Just one further thing, and this really does happen. Sometimes everybody thinks you're gay but you feel you'd like to get into a bit of straight sex. And the big fear is the gay gang you hang around with might not take it too well. Well, follow your heart! They'll catch up. It may be a little difficult for your new partner at first, but you'll be surprised how quickly your ex-girlfriend gets on with your new boyfriend or vice versa... In fact, they'll be ganging up and both teasing you sooner than you can say 'how flattering to be the centre of everyone's attention'!
Still thinking yes go to Step Two.
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